Shut The Hell Up

Women WANT to like you! Women WANT to be all up on you! Stop saying douchey things! Stoppppp it

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than when a woman is really into a guy, and he fucks it up for doing and saying a variety of douchebag things.

For example:

1. Constantly talking about yourself. Why??? Why would you do that? You know women love to talk about themselves! The easiest way to get a chick to like you is to ask her questions (without being annoying) and LISTEN to her answers.

Which brings me to the second thing…

2. The only thing worse than a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t ask any questions, is a guy who asks too many questions. Dude, if she’s not making eye contact and she’s giving you one or two word answers, or being very vague about explaining things, leave her alone. She’s not interested. In this situation, it’s better to say something funny and THEN lead to asking a question.

3. Stop talking about how drunk you got last weekend

4. Stop talking about that chick you banged

5. Stop talking about your gym workouts

6. Stop talking about how important you are

Here’s a clue: Watch the fucking news. Scroll through the Vine or Twitter or Tumblr or Reddit or YouTube or The Chive or anything that will give you something funny or interesting to comment on.

That’s about it. I witnessed wayyyy too many self-important douchebags this weekend to let this one slide. Thank you in advance.


Lesson 5: Learn How to F#@king Tip, Part 2

By now, you’ve had adequate time to practice tipping your servers 20%.  And thank GOD.  Now when my friend goes on a date with you, I don’t have to worry about leaving my comfortable chair to pick her up because of your douchey ignorance. Or cheapness. Or both.

But we haven’t beaten Goliath yet, sir douche.  There is still more to learn about who, what, when, where, and why to tip.

Let’s get started.

I would tip every time I see something this cool.  Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

I would tip every time I see something this cool. Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

First thing’s first: Why you tip.

Here’s your answer: It doesn’t matter. That’s right. The “why” behind it doesn’t matter.  It’s not chemistry.  It’s not science.  This is not a place to ask “why”.  There is no injustice here, no hidden agenda. Tipping is a part of being a decent human being who shows gratitude for the service provided by another human being.

Yes, I know the key word there is service and my devil’s advocates out there will send me scathing emails about how one should only tip for excellent service, and blah blah blah. Guess what scathing devil’s advocate douches? I AGREE with you.

I AGREE that tipping should be for quality service, but not tipping your valet the standard $3-$5 each way just because you have to wait 1-2 minutes for your car is just cheap.  If you don’t like it, don’t valet.  If there’s no way around it, don’t go to the place with valet only. Just stay home.

And while you’re at it, if you’re not going to tip these people the standard amount, you might as well start loving your douchey couch and work from home, because you have no business not treating the service industry with respect:


Waiter: 15% minimum for service, 20% for good service

Bartender: $1-$2 per drink. Remember that water takes just as much effort to serve as opening a beer.

Coatroom attendant: $2 per coat

Valet: $3-$5, and more money can make sure your car is closer to the restaurant. There is still confusion as to WHEN to tip the valet: Do you tip when your car is parked? Delivered? Both? The answer is: Both. $3 minimum each time someone gets in/out of your car. C’mon, Douche.  It’s $6 for someone to take care of your douchey car, that I’m sure you put a cover on at night. Don’t be cheap or rude.

Washroom attendant: These people are super annoying, but you still give them $1-$2

Sommelier: 15% cost of the bottle now, take care of us. Or else.

…so now, take care of us. Or else.

Daily Life:

 Taxi Driver: Varies on location and length of ride. 15% is enough, and an extra $1-$2 for help with bags.  I personally tip extra when the car is clean, smells good, and the driver plays nice music without driving like a maniac.

Food delivery person: 15-20%, with a $5 minimum.

Barber/Hairdresser/Colorist: 15-20% minimum. Other services are at least $2-$3 per service, per provider. It is now acceptable to tip the owner, unless he/she says otherwise. (I tip 20%)

Manicurist: 15-20%

Spa Services: 15-20% (I tip 20%)

Handymen: no tip required, but I try to tip at least $10

Staff at coffee/food places with tip jars: no tip required. Completely optional. I think most people just put extra change in the jar, or a dollar if you pay with debit/credit card.  It’s a buck, you douchebag. Here’s what I do: if it’s a place where I eat regularly, I’ll tip at least $1 each time, because I like the people and I see them often.


Skycap at airport: $1-$2 per bag if they check you in outside

Hotel doorman: $1 per bag for help with luggage, $1 per person for help hailing a cab

Hotel Bellhop: $1-$2 per bag ($2 minimum if you just have one bag, but that’s weird, so give him at least $3)

Housekeeper: $2-$5 per night. I’m honestly really bad about remembering to do this 😦

Hotel Concierge: $5 for tickets or reservations, and $10 minimum if they’re really hard to get.  No tip required when you ask for directions.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn't change them.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn’t change them.


You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree. But don’t be a douche. Just do it.