hipster

Shut The Hell Up

Women WANT to like you! Women WANT to be all up on you! Stop saying douchey things! Stoppppp it

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than when a woman is really into a guy, and he fucks it up for doing and saying a variety of douchebag things.

For example:

1. Constantly talking about yourself. Why??? Why would you do that? You know women love to talk about themselves! The easiest way to get a chick to like you is to ask her questions (without being annoying) and LISTEN to her answers.

Which brings me to the second thing…

2. The only thing worse than a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t ask any questions, is a guy who asks too many questions. Dude, if she’s not making eye contact and she’s giving you one or two word answers, or being very vague about explaining things, leave her alone. She’s not interested. In this situation, it’s better to say something funny and THEN lead to asking a question.

3. Stop talking about how drunk you got last weekend

4. Stop talking about that chick you banged

5. Stop talking about your gym workouts

6. Stop talking about how important you are

Here’s a clue: Watch the fucking news. Scroll through the Vine or Twitter or Tumblr or Reddit or YouTube or The Chive or anything that will give you something funny or interesting to comment on.

That’s about it. I witnessed wayyyy too many self-important douchebags this weekend to let this one slide. Thank you in advance.

Lesson 2: Eating tasty food doesn’t make you a “foodie”- it makes you a fatty.

What’s more, posting everything you eat on instagram doesn’t make you a restaurant critic…it makes you a douche.

That brownie will look just as fattening when it's not in the spotlight on the floor

That brownie will look just as fattening when it’s not in the spotlight on the floor

Don’t get me wrong, I love some bacon. And during the bacon craze (also known as the brussel sprout era), I took pictures of pretty much anything related to bacon.  So what’s the difference between me and you, Mr. Douche? One thing, and this is the guideline for today’s lesson:

I genuinely loved food and anything that might be considered a “food snob” or “foodie” before everyone in the world jumped on that train. Yes, seriously. When i was 6 and asked to draw a picture of my favorite food, I drew a picture of an artichoke and a jar of capers, because I couldn’t decide which I liked better.  This is a true story- you can ask Ms. Eve, my 1st grade teacher.  I’m sure she thought about calling Child Protective Services for lack of pizza-eating.

So it boils down to this: If you have an appreciation for food that goes beyond taking pictures and eating whatever you want without regard for your heart, waistline, and overall health, you’re NOT a douche.

It also might help if you actually cook once in a while, too.

Burgers always look best in Valencia, dude. But low-fi really makes that ketchup look like something special. hmmm...decisions, decisions...

Burgers always look best in Valencia, dude. But low-fi really makes that ketchup look like something special. hmmm…decisions, decisions…

If a douche eats a charcuterie without instagramming, do those calories still count?

If a douche eats a charcuterie without instagramming, do those calories still count?

Just because you upload this doesn't mean it's not something 3rd graders are eating. In lunchrooms. Right now.

Just because you upload this doesn’t mean it’s something 3rd graders aren’t eating. In lunchrooms. Right now.

Lesson 1: Wear Clothes That Fit

If you’re a straight man, the only acceptable reason to wear clothes that are entirely too tight are:

1) Your day revolves around gym, tan, laundry.  And you only get that pass because of regional differences. New Jersey always gets a pass. They can’t help it.

2) You’re from Europe.

3) You’re some type of sports star

4) You’re poor and can’t afford new clothes.  But I’d better not catch you buying beer or cigarettes, because that $10 could go towards some decent jeans. Or sweatpants. Hell, anything is better than this:

If you're a straight man, please don't wear this.

If you’re a straight man, please don’t wear this.

Please, Please don't wear jeans this tight

Please, Please don’t wear jeans this tight

If I can see the outline of your junk, unless you are Ryan Gosling portraying a douchey hipster in a movie, please don't wear this.

If I can see the outline of your junk, unless you are Ryan Gosling portraying a douchey hipster in a movie, please don’t wear this.

Homework assignment: Have a, “Get rid of douchey pants” party with your friends. Drink beer (if you’re 21 or older, of course) and try on every pair of pants you own, and if you can’t sit or squat easily, bring them to goodwill for the hipsters to fight over. Be better than those pants.