douche

The Worst Date EVER

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

Hola people,

I was driving home from work this past Friday, when I witnessed an event that infuriated me to the point of slamming on brakes and yelling obscenities at the offending douchebag.

The douche was clearly picking up a girl for a date, and he DIDN’T OPEN HER DOOR.

Why is this so offensive, you ask? It was offensive because it’s RUDE and LAZY, and because he looked smug and cocky climbing into his 3-series.

Yes, I realize this is 2014–otherwise known as post-1950s-era–but there is absolutely no excuse for this behavior in a state that prides itself on being southern. It’s Texas, for crying out loud.

I just…oh man, it really just perplexes me. Gents, you want to get laid, right? You want your women to brag to their friends about how awesome you are, right? Why the hell would you not open her door when you pick her up for a date? I’m not asking you to open her door everywhere, all the time. I’m just asking that you at least open the door when you get into the car for the first time. Not doing so is kinda like not shaking hands in a job interview, or not sending a thank-you note for a graduation gift, or eating with your mouth full, or saying “fuck” over and over in front of your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. These are things that no one really wants to do, but you do them, like it or not.

And if you have a woman who gets upset and says a version of, “I can open this myself!” when/if you try to be chivalrous, be your most calm, confident self and say, “I know you can, but I wanted to open it for you anyway.” If you look her in the eyes and say this WHILE  she huffs and puffs, you’re golden. If she still bitches, call me and I’ll set you up with someone who isn’t so goddamned uptight.

In conclusion, I’m asking–no, begging– all men of the world to please not be like that guy who didn’t open his date’s door. Don’t be a douche.

Shut The Hell Up

Women WANT to like you! Women WANT to be all up on you! Stop saying douchey things! Stoppppp it

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than when a woman is really into a guy, and he fucks it up for doing and saying a variety of douchebag things.

For example:

1. Constantly talking about yourself. Why??? Why would you do that? You know women love to talk about themselves! The easiest way to get a chick to like you is to ask her questions (without being annoying) and LISTEN to her answers.

Which brings me to the second thing…

2. The only thing worse than a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t ask any questions, is a guy who asks too many questions. Dude, if she’s not making eye contact and she’s giving you one or two word answers, or being very vague about explaining things, leave her alone. She’s not interested. In this situation, it’s better to say something funny and THEN lead to asking a question.

3. Stop talking about how drunk you got last weekend

4. Stop talking about that chick you banged

5. Stop talking about your gym workouts

6. Stop talking about how important you are

Here’s a clue: Watch the fucking news. Scroll through the Vine or Twitter or Tumblr or Reddit or YouTube or The Chive or anything that will give you something funny or interesting to comment on.

That’s about it. I witnessed wayyyy too many self-important douchebags this weekend to let this one slide. Thank you in advance.

Earn More Confidence

Dilemma: You want to look like Bradley Cooper, but you don’t, and never will.  You want to be richer, smarter, leaner, etc.  Therefore, you shy away from taking chances at work, and feel somewhat inadequate with women.  Sound familiar?

The good news is women don’t care as much about looks and money as you think. What they DO care about is confidence.

$20 says he has major swag

$20 says he has major swag

She was already rich...didn't need his money.

She was already rich…didn’t need his money.

Before Brad, there was Billy Bob. Dude has major confidence.

Before Brad, there was Billy Bob. Dude has major confidence.

This model could have any famous guy.  He has what you could have, too...

This model could have any famous guy. He has what you could have, too…

Confidence is a state of mind, and you EARN confidence by making small but significant changes in your life.

Building confidence starts with improving yourself:

Step 1: Do 20 push-ups every morning, immediately after getting out of bed. Then, do 50 sit-ups. Do this DAILY, even if you already workout.

Step 2: Learn something new each day. This can be anything—read the news, watch a documentary, visit a museum, research turtles or penguins or sharks…it doesn’t matter…just learn something!  If you devote half the time you spend on facebook to learning new, interesting things about the world, your knowledge will increase exponentially.

Step 3: Save more money. If you can’t save more money with your current income, get creative with other (legal and ethical) ways to make extra cash outside your main job.  There are all types of ways to make money from home: sell items on craigslist/ebay, work on Amazon mechanical turks, start a successful blog. You can even go old school with a side business—mow lawns on the weekends or even have a lemonade stand:)

Step 4: Become more spiritually active.  Even the most avid atheists can enjoy spiritual peace.  Celebrate whatever higher power you believe in, even if it’s mother earth.  Appreciate the color of the sky, the magnificence of the stars, the wonder of the oceans. Be aware of the world you live in, and be grateful. Your time is limited, after all.

 

Resources I love:

For Fitness and Health:

http://www.crossfit.com/  http://www.mensfitness.com/training/workout-routines  http://thepaleodiet.com/ http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

For Wealth:

http://100startup.com/   http://thesecret.tv/   http://financialmentor.com/wealth-building/how-to-build-wealth/7699  https://www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome  http://www.retailmenot.com

For Peace of Mind and Knowledge:

http://tatfoundation.org/best_spiritual_sites.htm  http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/15-steps-to-cultivate-lifelong-learning.html   http://www.arthistory.net/  http://www.davincilife.com/

Lesson 8: Don’t Leave Home Without Your Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is a pretty broad concept. It’s the understanding and consciousness of how (and why) you look, feel, think, and act. It’s also the foundation for being considerate of other people.

There are many terms of endearment for a person who lacks self-awareness. One might call him “inconsiderate.” I, of course, call him “douchebag.”

Common douchey inconsiderate acts:

1)   Talking on your phone while in the checkout line for anything and everything.  Do I need to explain why this is inconsiderate? I hope not.

This woman looks so sweet! Don't ignore her:( Get off your phone!

This woman looks so sweet! Don’t ignore her:( Get off your phone!

2)   Texting at dinner with friends. I used to be guilty of this, but I didn’t want to be a douche anymore. Therefore, I now turn my ringer off so I’m not distracted, and if I HAVE to text someone in the hour or two I’m at dinner, I tell my friends in advance and make the text exchange less than 15-30 seconds.

What a loser. She's too hot for you anyway.

What a loser. She’s too hot for you anyway.

3)   Not holding doors for people. This one really gets under my southern skin. It’s not a difficult concept! As you walk though a door, glance behind you. If a person is within a step or two from walking through the same door, HOLD IT OPEN!!!!! This especially applies for men holding the door for ladies. Just do it. Women LOVE gentlemen.

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

4)   Blowing your nasty cigarette smoke all over people who are CLEARLY non-smokers. Unless you’re French.  But you’re not.  You’re American. Take it outside.

UGH! This makes me cough just looking at it

UGH! This makes me cough just looking at it

5)   Driving slow in the left lane. You, my friend, are the ultimate douche. Not even blowing smoke in the face of a little old lady while letting the door slam in her face can be a worse douchebag offense than cruising 60 mph in the PASSING LANE. Get in the right lane or get off the road. Your choice.

And while you’re at it…

Don’t be a douche.

Lesson 6: Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry

On Facebook. On Twitter. On Instagram. On Anything-gram.

Just don’t.

Feeding people's egos since 2004

Feeding people’s egos since 2004

If you want a diary, start a journal.  If you feel the need for everyone in the WORLD to read that journal, start a blog.

If you want people to read that blog, don’t be such a wet blanket. 

Oh lord.

I can’t decide if I’m more annoyed with the obnoxiousness of this post, or the fact that she spelled “worst” wrong. Bless her heart.

You know who I’m talking about. You probably have at least 10 of these douchebags in mind. If you’re completely lost, YOU might be part of the problem (or, it could be that you’re not on social media, in which case, I tip my hat to you, friend).

Gut check

Gut check

Take a lesson in humility.

Or, a lesson from me.

Or, a lesson from ANYONE…I really don’t care…

 Just don’t be a douche.

Lesson 5: Learn How to F#@king Tip, Part 2

By now, you’ve had adequate time to practice tipping your servers 20%.  And thank GOD.  Now when my friend goes on a date with you, I don’t have to worry about leaving my comfortable chair to pick her up because of your douchey ignorance. Or cheapness. Or both.

But we haven’t beaten Goliath yet, sir douche.  There is still more to learn about who, what, when, where, and why to tip.

Let’s get started.

I would tip every time I see something this cool.  Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

I would tip every time I see something this cool. Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

First thing’s first: Why you tip.

Here’s your answer: It doesn’t matter. That’s right. The “why” behind it doesn’t matter.  It’s not chemistry.  It’s not science.  This is not a place to ask “why”.  There is no injustice here, no hidden agenda. Tipping is a part of being a decent human being who shows gratitude for the service provided by another human being.

Yes, I know the key word there is service and my devil’s advocates out there will send me scathing emails about how one should only tip for excellent service, and blah blah blah. Guess what scathing devil’s advocate douches? I AGREE with you.

I AGREE that tipping should be for quality service, but not tipping your valet the standard $3-$5 each way just because you have to wait 1-2 minutes for your car is just cheap.  If you don’t like it, don’t valet.  If there’s no way around it, don’t go to the place with valet only. Just stay home.

And while you’re at it, if you’re not going to tip these people the standard amount, you might as well start loving your douchey couch and work from home, because you have no business not treating the service industry with respect:

Restaurants/Bars:

Waiter: 15% minimum for service, 20% for good service

Bartender: $1-$2 per drink. Remember that water takes just as much effort to serve as opening a beer.

Coatroom attendant: $2 per coat

Valet: $3-$5, and more money can make sure your car is closer to the restaurant. There is still confusion as to WHEN to tip the valet: Do you tip when your car is parked? Delivered? Both? The answer is: Both. $3 minimum each time someone gets in/out of your car. C’mon, Douche.  It’s $6 for someone to take care of your douchey car, that I’m sure you put a cover on at night. Don’t be cheap or rude.

Washroom attendant: These people are super annoying, but you still give them $1-$2

Sommelier: 15% cost of the bottle

...so now, take care of us. Or else.

…so now, take care of us. Or else.

Daily Life:

 Taxi Driver: Varies on location and length of ride. 15% is enough, and an extra $1-$2 for help with bags.  I personally tip extra when the car is clean, smells good, and the driver plays nice music without driving like a maniac.

Food delivery person: 15-20%, with a $5 minimum.

Barber/Hairdresser/Colorist: 15-20% minimum. Other services are at least $2-$3 per service, per provider. It is now acceptable to tip the owner, unless he/she says otherwise. (I tip 20%)

Manicurist: 15-20%

Spa Services: 15-20% (I tip 20%)

Handymen: no tip required, but I try to tip at least $10

Staff at coffee/food places with tip jars: no tip required. Completely optional. I think most people just put extra change in the jar, or a dollar if you pay with debit/credit card.  It’s a buck, you douchebag. Here’s what I do: if it’s a place where I eat regularly, I’ll tip at least $1 each time, because I like the people and I see them often.

Travel:

Skycap at airport: $1-$2 per bag if they check you in outside

Hotel doorman: $1 per bag for help with luggage, $1 per person for help hailing a cab

Hotel Bellhop: $1-$2 per bag ($2 minimum if you just have one bag, but that’s weird, so give him at least $3)

Housekeeper: $2-$5 per night. I’m honestly really bad about remembering to do this 😦

Hotel Concierge: $5 for tickets or reservations, and $10 minimum if they’re really hard to get.  No tip required when you ask for directions.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn't change them.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn’t change them.

 

You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree. But don’t be a douche. Just do it.

Lesson 4: Learn How To F#&*ing Tip

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Learn how to tip at a restaurant. Please. As a former server, I’m begging you. Because, the only thing worse than a douchebag is a douchebag who doesn’t tip well.  Or maybe a douchebag who doesn’t tip well and therefore contracts some nasty virus from a pissed off waitress who coughs in his food…

Yeah, you'd better stay away.

Yeah sick-o douche.  Keep your bird flu away from me.

Lesson of the day: Calculating the standard 20% tip in 2 easy steps

This is an example of a douchebag tip:

Douche tip

There are so many things wrong with this.  First, the douche used the brainpower to figure what would be needed to make the total $75, instead of using the same brainpower to figure a proper tip. $5.85 is less than 10%!!!! Second, the numbers look too happy to me, which leads me to believe that this person is ignorant of the proper tipping etiquette. Third, the purple ink is just highlighting the bad tip.

We will now correct this douchebag’s douchiness.

Step 1: Move the decimal point one spot to the left. This number is 10% of the total bill.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it's $6.92, but you get the idea.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it’s $6.92, but you get the idea.

Step 2: Double that amount. Doubling the 10% will give you 20%!

All we're doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

All we’re doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

Here’s a hint: Round up to the highest round number to make life easier.  What I would do is round the bill up to $70.00, and take 20% of $70, to be $14.

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey)

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey) Move the decimal to the left, to give you $7.00, then double that. $14 is 20% of $70!

Yes, it’s that easy.  You’ve been pulling out your phone all these years for nothing.

To calculate a 15% tip, move the decimal point one place to the left to find 10%, just like above, then cut that number in half. This means you’re figuring what 5% of the total bill is. Add the 5% to the 10%, and you’ll have a 15% tip:

Calculating 15%

I rounded up to $70 to make life easier. You should be able to do this math in your head.  If you can’t, just practice.

If you’re more conservative with your money, NEVER leave less than 15%. I know you think you’re teaching the servers a lesson for leaving 10% or less when they have a “bad attitude,” but you’re only making yourself look like a douche.

When in doubt, always err on the side of classy, no matter how difficult. 15% for poor service is classy and therefore, will put you in the category of NOT being a douche. Plus, your 10% tip isn’t teaching someone with a poor attitude anything.  Feel grateful that you’re not the douchebag waiter and chalk up the extra dough. Because any waiter who treats you poorly is a douchebag himself.

Next Lesson: The Who, What, When, Where, and Why of Tipping