dating

The Worst Date EVER

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

Hola people,

I was driving home from work this past Friday, when I witnessed an event that infuriated me to the point of slamming on brakes and yelling obscenities at the offending douchebag.

The douche was clearly picking up a girl for a date, and he DIDN’T OPEN HER DOOR.

Why is this so offensive, you ask? It was offensive because it’s RUDE and LAZY, and because he looked smug and cocky climbing into his 3-series.

Yes, I realize this is 2014–otherwise known as post-1950s-era–but there is absolutely no excuse for this behavior in a state that prides itself on being southern. It’s Texas, for crying out loud.

I just…oh man, it really just perplexes me. Gents, you want to get laid, right? You want your women to brag to their friends about how awesome you are, right? Why the hell would you not open her door when you pick her up for a date? I’m not asking you to open her door everywhere, all the time. I’m just asking that you at least open the door when you get into the car for the first time. Not doing so is kinda like not shaking hands in a job interview, or not sending a thank-you note for a graduation gift, or eating with your mouth full, or saying “fuck” over and over in front of your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. These are things that no one really wants to do, but you do them, like it or not.

And if you have a woman who gets upset and says a version of, “I can open this myself!” when/if you try to be chivalrous, be your most calm, confident self and say, “I know you can, but I wanted to open it for you anyway.” If you look her in the eyes and say this WHILE  she huffs and puffs, you’re golden. If she still bitches, call me and I’ll set you up with someone who isn’t so goddamned uptight.

In conclusion, I’m asking–no, begging– all men of the world to please not be like that guy who didn’t open his date’s door. Don’t be a douche.

Advice From George Clooney

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George Clooney is the ultimate gentleman. He’s talented, charismatic, impeccably dressed, and quite frankly, he gives a shit.  He gives a shit about his craft, his relationships, politics, and helping others. Giving a shit is a rarity in today’s “me” culture of endless selfies and picture posting. Why, then, has Clooney–one of the most famous people in the world–proven, over time, to be less self-centered than today’s average social media douche? Seriously, have you ever listened to his interviews? When he’s not telling interesting stories about OTHER PEOPLE in his life, he always deflects the conversation away from himself and onto speaking for his causes. I’ll even go out on a limb to say that’s probably why he’s been so popular with the ladies. Believe me, it’s not just because he’s rich and famous and handsome. There are plenty of rich and famous and handsome men who’ve failed to garner the level of admiration as Mr. George Clooney. I’m telling you, it’s because he gives a shit. It’s because he doesn’t seem arrogant. It’s because he’s interested in things other than himself. He seems like he’d want to listen to your story, ask you questions, buy you a beer, be the first to shake your hand. He’s interesting. And interesting stands the test of time.

Let’s all take a minute to study some worthy advice from George Clooney:

“You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.”

“My life isn’t focused on results. My life is really focused on the process of doing all the things I’m doing, from work to relationships to friendships to charitable work.”

“On Christmas morning, before we could open our Christmas presents, we would go to this stranger’s home and bring them presents. I remember helping clean the house up and putting up a tree. My father believed that you have a responsibility to look after everyone else.”

“I’ve walked with very famous people down red carpets over to the crowd of thousands of people, and you’ll reach out to shake their hand and they’ve got a camera in their hand. And they don’t even get their hand out, because they’re recording the whole time.”

“I’m the least metrosexual cat you’ve ever met. I’ve never had my fingernails or toenails done, and I’ve cut my own hair longer than other people have cut my hair.”

“I probably wouldn’t be a good spokesman for an electric car, because I’ll still get on a private jet, and one flight on a private jet undoes all my electric-car good deeds.”

“I’m the old-fashioned type who prefers to meet a woman in a more normal setting. I don’t like to feel that I’m being hunted down. I’ve always liked to do my own hunting when it comes to meeting women.”

“I do happen to have a good life… But I also like to work. I feel like I got the brass ring and I got very lucky in this.”

“I enjoy going on motorcycle trips and stopping in small towns and enjoying drinks with the locals.”

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Learn from him, please. Don’t be a douche.

Lesson 8: Don’t Leave Home Without Your Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is a pretty broad concept. It’s the understanding and consciousness of how (and why) you look, feel, think, and act. It’s also the foundation for being considerate of other people.

There are many terms of endearment for a person who lacks self-awareness. One might call him “inconsiderate.” I, of course, call him “douchebag.”

Common douchey inconsiderate acts:

1)   Talking on your phone while in the checkout line for anything and everything.  Do I need to explain why this is inconsiderate? I hope not.

This woman looks so sweet! Don't ignore her:( Get off your phone!

This woman looks so sweet! Don’t ignore her:( Get off your phone!

2)   Texting at dinner with friends. I used to be guilty of this, but I didn’t want to be a douche anymore. Therefore, I now turn my ringer off so I’m not distracted, and if I HAVE to text someone in the hour or two I’m at dinner, I tell my friends in advance and make the text exchange less than 15-30 seconds.

What a loser. She's too hot for you anyway.

What a loser. She’s too hot for you anyway.

3)   Not holding doors for people. This one really gets under my southern skin. It’s not a difficult concept! As you walk though a door, glance behind you. If a person is within a step or two from walking through the same door, HOLD IT OPEN!!!!! This especially applies for men holding the door for ladies. Just do it. Women LOVE gentlemen.

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

4)   Blowing your nasty cigarette smoke all over people who are CLEARLY non-smokers. Unless you’re French.  But you’re not.  You’re American. Take it outside.

UGH! This makes me cough just looking at it

UGH! This makes me cough just looking at it

5)   Driving slow in the left lane. You, my friend, are the ultimate douche. Not even blowing smoke in the face of a little old lady while letting the door slam in her face can be a worse douchebag offense than cruising 60 mph in the PASSING LANE. Get in the right lane or get off the road. Your choice.

And while you’re at it…

Don’t be a douche.

Lesson 3: Don’t Take Selfies…

…So Seriously!

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Ahhh Yesssssss, this is so much better than duck face!

Or better yet, just don’t take them at all, period.

I know, I know, that’s not very practical, given the, “Look at me, look how cool I am, look how awesome my life is while I’m taking this selfie” culture, so to remedy any potential confusion about how to NOT be a douchebag when taking a selfie, here is the cardinal selfie rule and lesson of the day:

Don’t take mirror pics!

Look how cool my jacket is! It's leather, btw.  Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M because I look super cool and tough.

Look how cool my jacket is! It’s leather, btw. Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M– I look super cool and tough. The girls won’t know the difference between me and Gosling.

If a girl is asks you to send them a picture, you have a few options that won’t leave you looking like this douche:

His face really does look like an angry bird

Hey girl.

1) Take a picture of something you’re doing.  She’ll stop asking for pictures and will start asking other questions like, Who are you with? What are you doing? Where is that?  The questions might be annoying but it saves you from looking like a douche. You don’t want that douchey picture floating around in the iphone cloud for God knows how long.

2) Take a selfie while making a weird face.

Thank you for not being douchebags

Thank you for not being douchebags

See? I know there are 3 people in this picture, so technically it’s not a selfie, but you get the idea.  See how they’re purposely looking ridiculous?  You will avoid looking like a douche if you purposely poke fun at yourself for taking a selfie.

3) Don’t do duckface. Like, ever.

4) If you’re both sexting and you HAVE to send some type of picture, DON’T put your face in the photo! You don’t want to end up on my blog when she makes it public domain!

5) If you’ve been taking selfies in mirrors since middle school, chances are, it’s too late for you, my friend.  You were raised on mirror douchebag selfies and you’re probably never going to change.  Therefore, if you MUST commit the mirror sin, do it like a champ:

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness  saved you from being a douche. Congrats my friend.

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness saved you from being a douche. Congrats.

 

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: There are exceptions to every rule. Can you think of some mirror selfie exceptions?