Lesson 8: Don’t Leave Home Without Your Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is a pretty broad concept. It’s the understanding and consciousness of how (and why) you look, feel, think, and act. It’s also the foundation for being considerate of other people.

There are many terms of endearment for a person who lacks self-awareness. One might call him “inconsiderate.” I, of course, call him “douchebag.”

Common douchey inconsiderate acts:

1)   Talking on your phone while in the checkout line for anything and everything.  Do I need to explain why this is inconsiderate? I hope not.

This woman looks so sweet! Don't ignore her:( Get off your phone!

This woman looks so sweet! Don’t ignore her:( Get off your phone!

2)   Texting at dinner with friends. I used to be guilty of this, but I didn’t want to be a douche anymore. Therefore, I now turn my ringer off so I’m not distracted, and if I HAVE to text someone in the hour or two I’m at dinner, I tell my friends in advance and make the text exchange less than 15-30 seconds.

What a loser. She's too hot for you anyway.

What a loser. She’s too hot for you anyway.

3)   Not holding doors for people. This one really gets under my southern skin. It’s not a difficult concept! As you walk though a door, glance behind you. If a person is within a step or two from walking through the same door, HOLD IT OPEN!!!!! This especially applies for men holding the door for ladies. Just do it. Women LOVE gentlemen.

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

4)   Blowing your nasty cigarette smoke all over people who are CLEARLY non-smokers. Unless you’re French.  But you’re not.  You’re American. Take it outside.

UGH! This makes me cough just looking at it

UGH! This makes me cough just looking at it

5)   Driving slow in the left lane. You, my friend, are the ultimate douche. Not even blowing smoke in the face of a little old lady while letting the door slam in her face can be a worse douchebag offense than cruising 60 mph in the PASSING LANE. Get in the right lane or get off the road. Your choice.

And while you’re at it…

Don’t be a douche.

Lesson 7: Don’t Hit on Girls at the Gym…

Unless you read this first.

I know you’re excited to hit the weights after all the holiday eating and drinking, but let’s keep the testosterone in check with what women want/don’t want in the way of attention at the gym.

(Here’s a hint: They don’t want you to be a douchebag)

Yes, every woman is thinking this.

Yes, every woman is thinking this.

Hey, it’s ok…

  1. To look. And by “look,” I mean, maybe a glance or two. Let her know you’ve noticed her, but don’t linger for more than 1 or 2 seconds, and PLEASE, for the love of God, DO NOT look at her while you’re doing bicep curls, grunting, or making noises of any kind. And you’d better not be wearing a douchey tank or wife beater. No.
  2. To give a compliment. Ideally, you want to say something like, “I like your shoes!” if she’s sporting some new neon green nikes, because A) she loves those shoes, too, and B) hearing a guy say, “I like your shoes” (with a smile on his face), makes a woman feel noticed without feeling like a piece of meat. AND, it saves you both potential embarrassment from other gym-goers listening to your conversation. If she’s at all interested, she will give you cues that she’s ok with talking a little longer.
  3. To chat A LITTLE. Ok…you told her you like her shoes. She smiled, tossed her hair, and said, “Thank you!” enthusiastically. Your turn. Keep it short and sweet.  Smile and say something like, “ I don’t think I could get away with wearing them,” or,  “You look a lot better in them than I would,” or, “I have the same pair at home (wink wink),” then let the convo continue for another 10 seconds, if you’re lucky.

    Nice going, dude.  Just don't outstay your welcome.

    Nice going, dude. Just don’t outstay your welcome.

It’s NOT ok…

1.  To gawk. Especially when she’s on the inner thigh machine.

2. To say creepy things…especially when she’s on the inner thigh machine.

3. To ignore “please leave me alone” signals. ESPECIALLY when she’s on the inner thigh machine.

Catch my drift? Leave women alone while they’re using machines or weights.

Learn it. Live it.

Learn it. Live it.

What a douche. Don't be that guy.

What a douche. Don’t be that guy.

Use common sense. Don’t be a douche at the gym.

Lesson 6: Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry

On Facebook. On Twitter. On Instagram. On Anything-gram.

Just don’t.

Feeding people's egos since 2004

Feeding people’s egos since 2004

If you want a diary, start a journal.  If you feel the need for everyone in the WORLD to read that journal, start a blog.

If you want people to read that blog, don’t be such a wet blanket. 

Oh lord.

I can’t decide if I’m more annoyed with the obnoxiousness of this post, or the fact that she spelled “worst” wrong. Bless her heart.

You know who I’m talking about. You probably have at least 10 of these douchebags in mind. If you’re completely lost, YOU might be part of the problem (or, it could be that you’re not on social media, in which case, I tip my hat to you, friend).

Gut check

Gut check

Take a lesson in humility.

Or, a lesson from me.

Or, a lesson from ANYONE…I really don’t care…

 Just don’t be a douche.

Lesson 5: Learn How to F#@king Tip, Part 2

By now, you’ve had adequate time to practice tipping your servers 20%.  And thank GOD.  Now when my friend goes on a date with you, I don’t have to worry about leaving my comfortable chair to pick her up because of your douchey ignorance. Or cheapness. Or both.

But we haven’t beaten Goliath yet, sir douche.  There is still more to learn about who, what, when, where, and why to tip.

Let’s get started.

I would tip every time I see something this cool.  Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

I would tip every time I see something this cool. Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

First thing’s first: Why you tip.

Here’s your answer: It doesn’t matter. That’s right. The “why” behind it doesn’t matter.  It’s not chemistry.  It’s not science.  This is not a place to ask “why”.  There is no injustice here, no hidden agenda. Tipping is a part of being a decent human being who shows gratitude for the service provided by another human being.

Yes, I know the key word there is service and my devil’s advocates out there will send me scathing emails about how one should only tip for excellent service, and blah blah blah. Guess what scathing devil’s advocate douches? I AGREE with you.

I AGREE that tipping should be for quality service, but not tipping your valet the standard $3-$5 each way just because you have to wait 1-2 minutes for your car is just cheap.  If you don’t like it, don’t valet.  If there’s no way around it, don’t go to the place with valet only. Just stay home.

And while you’re at it, if you’re not going to tip these people the standard amount, you might as well start loving your douchey couch and work from home, because you have no business not treating the service industry with respect:

Restaurants/Bars:

Waiter: 15% minimum for service, 20% for good service

Bartender: $1-$2 per drink. Remember that water takes just as much effort to serve as opening a beer.

Coatroom attendant: $2 per coat

Valet: $3-$5, and more money can make sure your car is closer to the restaurant. There is still confusion as to WHEN to tip the valet: Do you tip when your car is parked? Delivered? Both? The answer is: Both. $3 minimum each time someone gets in/out of your car. C’mon, Douche.  It’s $6 for someone to take care of your douchey car, that I’m sure you put a cover on at night. Don’t be cheap or rude.

Washroom attendant: These people are super annoying, but you still give them $1-$2

Sommelier: 15% cost of the bottle

...so now, take care of us. Or else.

…so now, take care of us. Or else.

Daily Life:

 Taxi Driver: Varies on location and length of ride. 15% is enough, and an extra $1-$2 for help with bags.  I personally tip extra when the car is clean, smells good, and the driver plays nice music without driving like a maniac.

Food delivery person: 15-20%, with a $5 minimum.

Barber/Hairdresser/Colorist: 15-20% minimum. Other services are at least $2-$3 per service, per provider. It is now acceptable to tip the owner, unless he/she says otherwise. (I tip 20%)

Manicurist: 15-20%

Spa Services: 15-20% (I tip 20%)

Handymen: no tip required, but I try to tip at least $10

Staff at coffee/food places with tip jars: no tip required. Completely optional. I think most people just put extra change in the jar, or a dollar if you pay with debit/credit card.  It’s a buck, you douchebag. Here’s what I do: if it’s a place where I eat regularly, I’ll tip at least $1 each time, because I like the people and I see them often.

Travel:

Skycap at airport: $1-$2 per bag if they check you in outside

Hotel doorman: $1 per bag for help with luggage, $1 per person for help hailing a cab

Hotel Bellhop: $1-$2 per bag ($2 minimum if you just have one bag, but that’s weird, so give him at least $3)

Housekeeper: $2-$5 per night. I’m honestly really bad about remembering to do this 😦

Hotel Concierge: $5 for tickets or reservations, and $10 minimum if they’re really hard to get.  No tip required when you ask for directions.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn't change them.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn’t change them.

 

You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree. But don’t be a douche. Just do it.

Lesson 4: Learn How To F#&*ing Tip

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Learn how to tip at a restaurant. Please. As a former server, I’m begging you. Because, the only thing worse than a douchebag is a douchebag who doesn’t tip well.  Or maybe a douchebag who doesn’t tip well and therefore contracts some nasty virus from a pissed off waitress who coughs in his food…

Yeah, you'd better stay away.

Yeah sick-o douche.  Keep your bird flu away from me.

Lesson of the day: Calculating the standard 20% tip in 2 easy steps

This is an example of a douchebag tip:

Douche tip

There are so many things wrong with this.  First, the douche used the brainpower to figure what would be needed to make the total $75, instead of using the same brainpower to figure a proper tip. $5.85 is less than 10%!!!! Second, the numbers look too happy to me, which leads me to believe that this person is ignorant of the proper tipping etiquette. Third, the purple ink is just highlighting the bad tip.

We will now correct this douchebag’s douchiness.

Step 1: Move the decimal point one spot to the left. This number is 10% of the total bill.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it's $6.92, but you get the idea.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it’s $6.92, but you get the idea.

Step 2: Double that amount. Doubling the 10% will give you 20%!

All we're doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

All we’re doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

Here’s a hint: Round up to the highest round number to make life easier.  What I would do is round the bill up to $70.00, and take 20% of $70, to be $14.

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey)

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey) Move the decimal to the left, to give you $7.00, then double that. $14 is 20% of $70!

Yes, it’s that easy.  You’ve been pulling out your phone all these years for nothing.

To calculate a 15% tip, move the decimal point one place to the left to find 10%, just like above, then cut that number in half. This means you’re figuring what 5% of the total bill is. Add the 5% to the 10%, and you’ll have a 15% tip:

Calculating 15%

I rounded up to $70 to make life easier. You should be able to do this math in your head.  If you can’t, just practice.

If you’re more conservative with your money, NEVER leave less than 15%. I know you think you’re teaching the servers a lesson for leaving 10% or less when they have a “bad attitude,” but you’re only making yourself look like a douche.

When in doubt, always err on the side of classy, no matter how difficult. 15% for poor service is classy and therefore, will put you in the category of NOT being a douche. Plus, your 10% tip isn’t teaching someone with a poor attitude anything.  Feel grateful that you’re not the douchebag waiter and chalk up the extra dough. Because any waiter who treats you poorly is a douchebag himself.

Next Lesson: The Who, What, When, Where, and Why of Tipping

Lesson 3: Don’t Take Selfies…

…So Seriously!

photo-3

Ahhh Yesssssss, this is so much better than duck face!

Or better yet, just don’t take them at all, period.

I know, I know, that’s not very practical, given the, “Look at me, look how cool I am, look how awesome my life is while I’m taking this selfie” culture, so to remedy any potential confusion about how to NOT be a douchebag when taking a selfie, here is the cardinal selfie rule and lesson of the day:

Don’t take mirror pics!

Look how cool my jacket is! It's leather, btw.  Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M because I look super cool and tough.

Look how cool my jacket is! It’s leather, btw. Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M– I look super cool and tough. The girls won’t know the difference between me and Gosling.

If a girl is asks you to send them a picture, you have a few options that won’t leave you looking like this douche:

His face really does look like an angry bird

Hey girl.

1) Take a picture of something you’re doing.  She’ll stop asking for pictures and will start asking other questions like, Who are you with? What are you doing? Where is that?  The questions might be annoying but it saves you from looking like a douche. You don’t want that douchey picture floating around in the iphone cloud for God knows how long.

2) Take a selfie while making a weird face.

Thank you for not being douchebags

Thank you for not being douchebags

See? I know there are 3 people in this picture, so technically it’s not a selfie, but you get the idea.  See how they’re purposely looking ridiculous?  You will avoid looking like a douche if you purposely poke fun at yourself for taking a selfie.

3) Don’t do duckface. Like, ever.

4) If you’re both sexting and you HAVE to send some type of picture, DON’T put your face in the photo! You don’t want to end up on my blog when she makes it public domain!

5) If you’ve been taking selfies in mirrors since middle school, chances are, it’s too late for you, my friend.  You were raised on mirror douchebag selfies and you’re probably never going to change.  Therefore, if you MUST commit the mirror sin, do it like a champ:

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness  saved you from being a douche. Congrats my friend.

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness saved you from being a douche. Congrats.

 

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: There are exceptions to every rule. Can you think of some mirror selfie exceptions?

Lesson 2: Eating tasty food doesn’t make you a “foodie”- it makes you a fatty.

What’s more, posting everything you eat on instagram doesn’t make you a restaurant critic…it makes you a douche.

That brownie will look just as fattening when it's not in the spotlight on the floor

That brownie will look just as fattening when it’s not in the spotlight on the floor

Don’t get me wrong, I love some bacon. And during the bacon craze (also known as the brussel sprout era), I took pictures of pretty much anything related to bacon.  So what’s the difference between me and you, Mr. Douche? One thing, and this is the guideline for today’s lesson:

I genuinely loved food and anything that might be considered a “food snob” or “foodie” before everyone in the world jumped on that train. Yes, seriously. When i was 6 and asked to draw a picture of my favorite food, I drew a picture of an artichoke and a jar of capers, because I couldn’t decide which I liked better.  This is a true story- you can ask Ms. Eve, my 1st grade teacher.  I’m sure she thought about calling Child Protective Services for lack of pizza-eating.

So it boils down to this: If you have an appreciation for food that goes beyond taking pictures and eating whatever you want without regard for your heart, waistline, and overall health, you’re NOT a douche.

It also might help if you actually cook once in a while, too.

Burgers always look best in Valencia, dude. But low-fi really makes that ketchup look like something special. hmmm...decisions, decisions...

Burgers always look best in Valencia, dude. But low-fi really makes that ketchup look like something special. hmmm…decisions, decisions…

If a douche eats a charcuterie without instagramming, do those calories still count?

If a douche eats a charcuterie without instagramming, do those calories still count?

Just because you upload this doesn't mean it's not something 3rd graders are eating. In lunchrooms. Right now.

Just because you upload this doesn’t mean it’s something 3rd graders aren’t eating. In lunchrooms. Right now.