Month: June 2014

The Worst Date EVER

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

Hola people,

I was driving home from work this past Friday, when I witnessed an event that infuriated me to the point of slamming on brakes and yelling obscenities at the offending douchebag.

The douche was clearly picking up a girl for a date, and he DIDN’T OPEN HER DOOR.

Why is this so offensive, you ask? It was offensive because it’s RUDE and LAZY, and because he looked smug and cocky climbing into his 3-series.

Yes, I realize this is 2014–otherwise known as post-1950s-era–but there is absolutely no excuse for this behavior in a state that prides itself on being southern. It’s Texas, for crying out loud.

I just…oh man, it really just perplexes me. Gents, you want to get laid, right? You want your women to brag to their friends about how awesome you are, right? Why the hell would you not open her door when you pick her up for a date? I’m not asking you to open her door everywhere, all the time. I’m just asking that you at least open the door when you get into the car for the first time. Not doing so is kinda like not shaking hands in a job interview, or not sending a thank-you note for a graduation gift, or eating with your mouth full, or saying “fuck” over and over in front of your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. These are things that no one really wants to do, but you do them, like it or not.

And if you have a woman who gets upset and says a version of, “I can open this myself!” when/if you try to be chivalrous, be your most calm, confident self and say, “I know you can, but I wanted to open it for you anyway.” If you look her in the eyes and say this WHILE  she huffs and puffs, you’re golden. If she still bitches, call me and I’ll set you up with someone who isn’t so goddamned uptight.

In conclusion, I’m asking–no, begging– all men of the world to please not be like that guy who didn’t open his date’s door. Don’t be a douche.

Advice From George Clooney

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George Clooney is the ultimate gentleman. He’s talented, charismatic, impeccably dressed, and quite frankly, he gives a shit.  He gives a shit about his craft, his relationships, politics, and helping others. Giving a shit is a rarity in today’s “me” culture of endless selfies and picture posting. Why, then, has Clooney–one of the most famous people in the world–proven, over time, to be less self-centered than today’s average social media douche? Seriously, have you ever listened to his interviews? When he’s not telling interesting stories about OTHER PEOPLE in his life, he always deflects the conversation away from himself and onto speaking for his causes. I’ll even go out on a limb to say that’s probably why he’s been so popular with the ladies. Believe me, it’s not just because he’s rich and famous and handsome. There are plenty of rich and famous and handsome men who’ve failed to garner the level of admiration as Mr. George Clooney. I’m telling you, it’s because he gives a shit. It’s because he doesn’t seem arrogant. It’s because he’s interested in things other than himself. He seems like he’d want to listen to your story, ask you questions, buy you a beer, be the first to shake your hand. He’s interesting. And interesting stands the test of time.

Let’s all take a minute to study some worthy advice from George Clooney:

“You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.”

“My life isn’t focused on results. My life is really focused on the process of doing all the things I’m doing, from work to relationships to friendships to charitable work.”

“On Christmas morning, before we could open our Christmas presents, we would go to this stranger’s home and bring them presents. I remember helping clean the house up and putting up a tree. My father believed that you have a responsibility to look after everyone else.”

“I’ve walked with very famous people down red carpets over to the crowd of thousands of people, and you’ll reach out to shake their hand and they’ve got a camera in their hand. And they don’t even get their hand out, because they’re recording the whole time.”

“I’m the least metrosexual cat you’ve ever met. I’ve never had my fingernails or toenails done, and I’ve cut my own hair longer than other people have cut my hair.”

“I probably wouldn’t be a good spokesman for an electric car, because I’ll still get on a private jet, and one flight on a private jet undoes all my electric-car good deeds.”

“I’m the old-fashioned type who prefers to meet a woman in a more normal setting. I don’t like to feel that I’m being hunted down. I’ve always liked to do my own hunting when it comes to meeting women.”

“I do happen to have a good life… But I also like to work. I feel like I got the brass ring and I got very lucky in this.”

“I enjoy going on motorcycle trips and stopping in small towns and enjoying drinks with the locals.”

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Learn from him, please. Don’t be a douche.