Month: October 2013

Lesson 5: Learn How to F#@king Tip, Part 2

By now, you’ve had adequate time to practice tipping your servers 20%.  And thank GOD.  Now when my friend goes on a date with you, I don’t have to worry about leaving my comfortable chair to pick her up because of your douchey ignorance. Or cheapness. Or both.

But we haven’t beaten Goliath yet, sir douche.  There is still more to learn about who, what, when, where, and why to tip.

Let’s get started.

I would tip every time I see something this cool.  Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

I would tip every time I see something this cool. Way to go, baristas! You just earned yourself a tip equal to me ordering a venti nonfat soy double espresso chocolate latte dipped in gold, with sprinkles on top

First thing’s first: Why you tip.

Here’s your answer: It doesn’t matter. That’s right. The “why” behind it doesn’t matter.  It’s not chemistry.  It’s not science.  This is not a place to ask “why”.  There is no injustice here, no hidden agenda. Tipping is a part of being a decent human being who shows gratitude for the service provided by another human being.

Yes, I know the key word there is service and my devil’s advocates out there will send me scathing emails about how one should only tip for excellent service, and blah blah blah. Guess what scathing devil’s advocate douches? I AGREE with you.

I AGREE that tipping should be for quality service, but not tipping your valet the standard $3-$5 each way just because you have to wait 1-2 minutes for your car is just cheap.  If you don’t like it, don’t valet.  If there’s no way around it, don’t go to the place with valet only. Just stay home.

And while you’re at it, if you’re not going to tip these people the standard amount, you might as well start loving your douchey couch and work from home, because you have no business not treating the service industry with respect:


Waiter: 15% minimum for service, 20% for good service

Bartender: $1-$2 per drink. Remember that water takes just as much effort to serve as opening a beer.

Coatroom attendant: $2 per coat

Valet: $3-$5, and more money can make sure your car is closer to the restaurant. There is still confusion as to WHEN to tip the valet: Do you tip when your car is parked? Delivered? Both? The answer is: Both. $3 minimum each time someone gets in/out of your car. C’mon, Douche.  It’s $6 for someone to take care of your douchey car, that I’m sure you put a cover on at night. Don’t be cheap or rude.

Washroom attendant: These people are super annoying, but you still give them $1-$2

Sommelier: 15% cost of the bottle now, take care of us. Or else.

…so now, take care of us. Or else.

Daily Life:

 Taxi Driver: Varies on location and length of ride. 15% is enough, and an extra $1-$2 for help with bags.  I personally tip extra when the car is clean, smells good, and the driver plays nice music without driving like a maniac.

Food delivery person: 15-20%, with a $5 minimum.

Barber/Hairdresser/Colorist: 15-20% minimum. Other services are at least $2-$3 per service, per provider. It is now acceptable to tip the owner, unless he/she says otherwise. (I tip 20%)

Manicurist: 15-20%

Spa Services: 15-20% (I tip 20%)

Handymen: no tip required, but I try to tip at least $10

Staff at coffee/food places with tip jars: no tip required. Completely optional. I think most people just put extra change in the jar, or a dollar if you pay with debit/credit card.  It’s a buck, you douchebag. Here’s what I do: if it’s a place where I eat regularly, I’ll tip at least $1 each time, because I like the people and I see them often.


Skycap at airport: $1-$2 per bag if they check you in outside

Hotel doorman: $1 per bag for help with luggage, $1 per person for help hailing a cab

Hotel Bellhop: $1-$2 per bag ($2 minimum if you just have one bag, but that’s weird, so give him at least $3)

Housekeeper: $2-$5 per night. I’m honestly really bad about remembering to do this 😦

Hotel Concierge: $5 for tickets or reservations, and $10 minimum if they’re really hard to get.  No tip required when you ask for directions.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn't change them.

And those bedsheets? pretty sure I didn’t change them.


You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree. But don’t be a douche. Just do it.


Lesson 4: Learn How To F#&*ing Tip

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Learn how to tip at a restaurant. Please. As a former server, I’m begging you. Because, the only thing worse than a douchebag is a douchebag who doesn’t tip well.  Or maybe a douchebag who doesn’t tip well and therefore contracts some nasty virus from a pissed off waitress who coughs in his food…

Yeah, you'd better stay away.

Yeah sick-o douche.  Keep your bird flu away from me.

Lesson of the day: Calculating the standard 20% tip in 2 easy steps

This is an example of a douchebag tip:

Douche tip

There are so many things wrong with this.  First, the douche used the brainpower to figure what would be needed to make the total $75, instead of using the same brainpower to figure a proper tip. $5.85 is less than 10%!!!! Second, the numbers look too happy to me, which leads me to believe that this person is ignorant of the proper tipping etiquette. Third, the purple ink is just highlighting the bad tip.

We will now correct this douchebag’s douchiness.

Step 1: Move the decimal point one spot to the left. This number is 10% of the total bill.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it's $6.92, but you get the idea.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it’s $6.92, but you get the idea.

Step 2: Double that amount. Doubling the 10% will give you 20%!

All we're doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

All we’re doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

Here’s a hint: Round up to the highest round number to make life easier.  What I would do is round the bill up to $70.00, and take 20% of $70, to be $14.

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey)

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey) Move the decimal to the left, to give you $7.00, then double that. $14 is 20% of $70!

Yes, it’s that easy.  You’ve been pulling out your phone all these years for nothing.

To calculate a 15% tip, move the decimal point one place to the left to find 10%, just like above, then cut that number in half. This means you’re figuring what 5% of the total bill is. Add the 5% to the 10%, and you’ll have a 15% tip:

Calculating 15%

I rounded up to $70 to make life easier. You should be able to do this math in your head.  If you can’t, just practice.

If you’re more conservative with your money, NEVER leave less than 15%. I know you think you’re teaching the servers a lesson for leaving 10% or less when they have a “bad attitude,” but you’re only making yourself look like a douche.

When in doubt, always err on the side of classy, no matter how difficult. 15% for poor service is classy and therefore, will put you in the category of NOT being a douche. Plus, your 10% tip isn’t teaching someone with a poor attitude anything.  Feel grateful that you’re not the douchebag waiter and chalk up the extra dough. Because any waiter who treats you poorly is a douchebag himself.

Next Lesson: The Who, What, When, Where, and Why of Tipping